Taking the Long Road

Right now I'm listening to the Dixie Chicks album "Taking the Long Road." This record is about 4 years old, but it is still one of my go to favorites. Maybe it's the bush-bashing undertones (this came out in response to the "I'm embarrassed the President is from Texas" snafu) or maybe it's just that the music is some of their best...either way I can listen to this CD over and over again at any time of day.

The funny thing is, that I had lost it for over a year and never got around to buying it again. Today, while packing up our bookshelves, I was looking through a book "Blessed Unrest", that was for a class I took last spring and out the CD fell! I have no idea how it got there, but I took it as a sign. Of course I popped it right in and started singing along.

"My friends from high school married their high school boyfriends
moved into houses in the same zip codes where their parents live
but IIIIII could never follow
I been a long time gone now maybe someday I'll find some time to settle down..."

Then reality set in. I'm not taking the long way around anymore - I'm heading straight through grown-up ville! As ironic as you might think this song is for me (I married my high school boyfriend young) I actually always relate to these lyrics because I never saw myself as heading down a traditional path. Marriage was never the end-all be-all to my life, it was something (wonderful) that happened unexpectedly. I never saw marriage as ending my life more as the sugar to my already delicious coffee.

"It felt like a given
something a woman is born to do
a natural ambition
see your reflection of me and you
and I feel so guilty that was a gift I couldn't give
could you be happy if life wasn't how we pictured it
and sometimes I just want to wait it out to prove everybody wrong
and I need your help to move on because you know it's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard

Live for the moment and all these clouds open up for me to see
show me a vision of you and me swimming peacefully"

In my own way I have always been a rebel. One summer when I was around 11 or 12 I remember wanting this pair of JNCOS so badly while on a visit to my grandparent's house in Florida. I had to work hard for those JNCOS by washing the car, cleaning the pool, and whatever else my grandma thought added up to $34.99. None of my other friends had JNCOS. They were all wearing GAP or American Eagle, but I wanted to be different - a punk skater girl.
My rebellion started even earlier though. I threatened to run away when I was six; secretly fed any foods I didn't like (namely hot dogs) to the family dog only to claim my prize of dessert afterward, made out with boys in school bathrooms, snuck out of the house, and other teenagery things; but this was just an outward expression of the different thoughts I had and couldn't express. I never went with the status quo and always questioned everything - my dad would constantly say to me "just give it up!" in response to my interrogation of authority. I couldn't give it up though, it's just part of who I am.

"Put the kisses on the asses that they told me to
but IIII could never follow
and I'm getting back to the road now
taking the long way around"


I don't want to lose that part of me now that I am becoming a mom. I never want to feel like I settled like so many people often do when they have children. I don't want to become a suburbanite mom with my huge SUV driving around in a bubble professing my love for all things kid-related, acting like the world revolves around little Jimmy or Sally denying that I still have dreams and hopes. This is not to say that I think my life will not drastically change when this baby is born, but why do so many moms give up on their own dreams? Personally, Jeremy and I disagree with the philosophy that children should be the center of all decision-making - I think it breeds indulgent, selfish, and unappreciative children. You can deeply love your child and still recognize that you need balance in your life to remain a sane person.

All of these thoughts have been rushing through my head as so many transitions are occurring in our lives over the next month. I am four and a half months pregnant, graduating with my Masters degree next week, and moving back to Atlanta. All of this without any definite jobs lined up. It is scary. There will be many tough choices to make over the next few months, but I have a peace about it because we've made it through a lot worse this far!

"Children lose their youth to soon
watching war made us immune
and I've got all the world to lose,
but I just want to hold onto the easy silence you make for me
it's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
the peaceful silence you make for me and the way you keep the world at bay for me"

Then life is put back into perspective when tragedies happen like the recent Nashville
Floods. Thankfully, we just had a little bit of flooding in one of our bathroom, but our neighbors have not been as fortunate. Just blocks from us our neighbor's houses are under water and historic monuments are destroyed. Schools have been out this entire week and flood relief efforts are going strong around the city. We spent most of Sunday helping our neighbors, the Massa-Mckinleys, bail water out of their house and today Jeremy is headed over Bellvue, on the west side of Nashville, to help with flood damage. Disasters like this make me realize how fleeting material possesions are and no matter how individualistic our culture becomes we still desperately need one another. The outpouring of generosity and support in Nashville has restored a little bit of my faith in the idea of true community.

"I'm through with doubt...there's nothing left for me to figure out..."

In all that we are going through, it is miniscule compared to those who have lost everything this week in the floods. These past few months have felt like we are taking a very long road and feeling like "God why can't things just be easy for us for a while" and then I'm humbled again to realize that I don't even know true hardship.

I played the song "Lullaby" off this album as I walked down the aisle at our wedding almost four years ago. The first time I heard this song, it immediately reminded me of Jeremy. Now, it still brings back vivid memories of seeing his face tear up on the day we committed ourselves to eachother, but it also has a new meaning. When I listened to it again today, I thought of our ultrasound picture and never knew that I could feel those same emotions for someone else.

"They didn't have you where I come from
Never knew the best was yet to come
Life began when I saw your face
And I hear your laugh like a serenade
How long do you wanna be loved?
Is forever enough? Is forever enough?
Tommorow ther'll be so much to do
so tonight I'll drift in a dream with you
As you wander throught his troubled world in search of all things beautiful
You can close your eyes and I'm miles away
you can hear my voice like a serenade"


As we go down this new road I hope we take our dreams and desires with us, and leave all the doubt behind. Hell, maybe we can even keep our rebellious spirits as we drift into the scary, yet exciting realm of parenthood! Eeep!